What Am I Doing Here?

So I lost my job. Fuckin' sucks. "Department Downsizing", they said. Department Downsizing My Ass!!! First real job I get in AZ and I got laid off. That's the corporate world for ya. So now I'm back in SF.......wasn't expecting to come back so soon. I just left on 4th of July weekend to pick up a few of my personal things in storage in SF. Drove 12 hours there and 12 hours back in one long weekend.......a lot of fuckin' driving. Then.......I lose my job. Mom tells me, "Well - maybe that was a sign for you to leave. You never liked Arizona.......see what you can find in SF."

So now I'm here in SF.........jobless......broke.......lonely......cold. I'm staying in a hostel near the Mission. I forgot how gay it is out here. I'm sharing a room with a trannie. Pretty fuckin' weird. I keep trying to look for a job. Not sure what I can find out here.

I have to admit that I miss living out here. But worse........I miss Niko.......my baby boy. I miss my mom, too. This sucks. I can't live without my dog. Everyday I wake up thinking to myself, "What the fuck am I doing here???"

WHAT AM I DOING HERE? DO I REALLY WANT TO BE HERE? YES. NO. FUCK. SHIT. DAMN. I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW.

I try to hold back the tears every night before I go to sleep. I've been smoking weed again lately. That helps.

I dunno.

I dunno.

I just don't fuckin' know.

But it is good to see the ocean again.......real good to see the ocean again.



"Life's a bitch.........then you get fired.......and room with a trannie."