Underpaid Vampire

6AM is when my shift is done
I come home from work at the rise of sun
I work all night and sleep all day
Graveyard shifts are so damn gay
I'm like a vampire up all night
Counting pills until the sky is bright
Walgreens pharmacy is where I work
The pharmacist on shift is such a jerk
Surrounded by pills and can't take one
Back in the day taking pills were fun
All those club pills got me wired
Now working with them gets me tired
Long strenuous hours on my feet
Should've got a job walking the street
But a job is a job and it pays the bills
I'm an underpaid vampire counting pills



"I don't get no respect"

-Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so stressed

Full-time student.......Full-time work (graveyard shifts)..............I'm so stressed.



"Stress is when you wake up screaming, and then realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet."

-Unknown

What's your name?!??

I had the weirdest proposition yesterday. This chick that I work with saw me come into Walgreens and I waved hi at her (ya know - just to be nice) and she was like...

"OH MY GOD..........HEIDI - I TOTALLY HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! YOU'RE LIKE SO COOL AND WE SHOULD TOTALLY HANG OUT. (Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and more Blah, Blah, Blah) BY THE WAY - ARE YOU STRAIGHT, GAY, BI?"

"Um.....I'm straight but I've done my 'experimentation' here and there."

"OH MY GOD - YOU ARE LIKE SO COOL. ME AND MY FIANCE WERE KINDA LOOKIN' FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE FUN WITH."

"...Oh............ok..........I'm sorry.......What's your name again?"



Seriously........how do you respond to something like that when you barely know the person but they are giving you so much love? And, this is someone I'm going to be working with soon. I don't know whether to be her friend or keep my distance. Maybe she's on something.

Anyways.......I bought a dildo today. It's fucking awesome. It's this vibrating, hula dancing penis with a little ant-eater attached to it. Kinda cool. I spent $80 on this new toy of mine. It's my new boyfriend. I think I'm going to buy one for Candice and Sarah. Speaking of dildo.........I gotta go.



"The average human being supposedly thinks about sex at least once every fourteen minutes."

- Mick Farren

(Buy the vibrating ant-eater hula dancing penis and you'll think about it every 14 SECONDS!)

Her Point

Tell her
to
be quiet
and
ask her
to
think
before
she speaks
because
the
point
of most
of
her stories
are
usually....
pointless



"There are more fools in the world than there are people."

-Heinrich Heine

Is There Such Thing As Mr. Right???

Ever since I was a little girl people have been telling me that one day I'll find my Mr. Right. Well I'm 30 yrs old, and I'm beginning to think that Mr. Right is just a myth kinda like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. There's nothing wrong with believing that there is that "perfect someone" for everyone. I just think that in this day in age with society changing and the world evolving........I think Mr. Right is evolving, too.

I think it's scary to call a guy you love........."Mr. Right". By labeling him the "perfect man"......that guy has so many expectations to fill and a reputation he has to live up to. When there is something that he does that is less than perfect or not right, then Mr. Right turns into.......Mr. OK So You're Not So Perfect But I Love You Anyways. And, also........what happens to Mr. Right in let's say 5....10....20.....30 years? Will Mr. Right still be Mr. Right or will he evolve into Mr. You Annoy Me........or Mr. You Don't Give Me Attention.........or Mr. Boring in Bed......... Mr. Disappointment............or worst of all turning into another MR. WRONG. Then when THAT happens - that's when you get together with the girls, pig out on ice cream, drink lots of wine, complain about how men suck.........then get the same advice you get every time - "Don't Worry.......You'll find Mr. Right one day". Then you are back to where you began.

I know I'm far from perfect. And, I feel sorry for any guy who thinks that I'm their "Mrs. Right". Maybe I'm just destined to be single all my life. I'm so picky with men but at the same time I love them all. This world is so confusing. Divorce is just as popular as marriage........and you'll see more and more kids calling one of their parents by their first name. What's wrong with people these days? How come people are finding it hard to stay together?

Who knows? Maybe I really haven't found my "Mr. Right". But is there such thing? Or does Mr. Right come with an expiration date???


Things that make me go.....Hmmmmmmmm




""Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks."

- Laura Swenson

Resuscitation "Trannie"

I'm driving in my car coming back from school
Laughing by myself like a stupid fool
Reflecting on last weekend in that CPR class
Still can't believe they certified my ass
Laughing fits in every room like a crazy lady
Giving mouth to mouth to a plastic alien baby
Trying to stay serious while yelling at a dummy
Thinking to myself, "Yo...this is fuckin' funny"
We had to pretend this kid swallowed a toy
Then teacher picks ME to give Heimlich to this boy
My friend starts laughing while I'm in front of the room
So hard to stay focused saving Dummy from his doom
Time was dragging and I was going mad
Last of the instructors was this cutie named Brad
Laying on his table was Resuscitation Annie
But to our surprise it was Resuscitation "Trannie"
That's when I lost it and got into one of my fits
This crazy looking thing was a man who had tits
He had an amputated leg and a deformed looking mouth
This poor thing looked like it wanted to shout
His face was so distressed with a crazy looking eye
I think it was best just to let this thing die
When Brad gave CPR the trannie's head fell to the floor
I laughed so hard I nearly walked out the door
Towards the end of the day I finally passed the test
Out of all my health care courses CPR was the best
It's amusing to know I can give mouth to mouth
So I'm warning the world that they better watch out.



"Having been dropped on my head as a baby, I believe it helps."

- Robin Williams

You know a filipino, too??? NO WAY!!!

People are constantly asking me what nationality I am. I dunno what it is. I'm thinking I should just walk around with a tattoo on my forhead saying, "Hi....I'm Heidi and I'm filipino." One observation that I noticed from those who aren't filipino is that whenever someone asks me what I am and I tell them that I'm filipino..........why is it that they always make it a point to tell me that they have a filipino friend or my brother's wife is filipino or I went to school with a filipino person? (Think about it.........you've done it, too - I'm sure!) Like I'm supposed to say - NO WAY really? You actually know someone who is a real live filipino? Whoa.......that's amazing! Usually I just nod and say, "Oh really - that's nice." (Like I care) So now I think I'm going to switch up my comments a lil' bit and see what happens. Next time someone tells me that they have a filipino friend..........I'll reply, "You know a filipino, too??? NO WAY!!! SO DO I. Holy Shit that's awesome. We should hook 'em up!

Too harsh??? What do you think?

Sinong Nanay Mo?



"It should be, but it isn't."

- Homer Simpson